Something's Rotten

by The PDX Broadsides

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credits

released August 30, 2016

Vocals: Jessica Hebert, Hollyanna McCollom, Christian Lipski
Guitars & Drums: Christian Lipski
Percussion: Everyone

Violin on "Astronaut's Hymn" - Sunnie Larsen
Upright Bass on "Far Away and Distant One" - Fletcher Lanning

Recorded, Mixed, & Mastered by Kevin Hahn at Opal Studio, Portland OR

Cover art by Dylan Meconis

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about

The PDX Broadsides Portland, Oregon

The PDX Broadsides (Portland, OR)
pdxbroadsides.com
are a trio of nerd enthusiasts who sing about science, piracy, superheroes, robots, and other geeky topics with great vigor and harmony. Formed in September 2011 on accident in a crucible of exhaustion, excessive coffee and too much wine, they deliver original nerdy tunes and geek parodies. ... more

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Track Name: The Girl Who Couldn't Even
CHORUS:
The girl who couldn't even
She just could not with this
Singing wey ho! Right? I know!
And she literally almost died
And she literally almost died

Her mochaccino's not that hot - "Oh no I can't even"
That parking ticket cost a lot - "Oh no I just can't"
Singing wey ho! Right? I know!
Are you kidding me?

Forty minute wait for brunch - "Oh no I can't even"
Booth so small she had to scrunch - "Oh no I just can't"
Singing wey ho! Right? I know!
Are you kidding me?

CHORUS

Leftovers got thrown away - "Oh no I can’t even"
Twitter has been down all day - "Oh no I just can't"
Singing wey ho! Right? I know!
Are you kidding me?

Nothing could communicate - "Oh no I can't even"
What she has to tolerate - "Oh no I just can't"
Singing wey ho! Right? I know!
Are you kidding me?

CHORUS
And she literally almost died
And she literally - not even figuratively - almost died
Track Name: Something's Rotten: Hamlet's Lament
I don't know what to do
I've never been that good at big decisions
Should I just let it go
Or am I just avoiding taking charge?
My thoughts are clinging helpless to a single refrain:
It feels like something's rotten in my brain

I came to visit, cause you're the only friend that I can find
This cemetery - is lonely and it's cold but I don't mind
I don't know what to to do
Cause I get the feeling mother's
Acting odd - With Uncle Claude
I think I know why Oedipus went blind

I kind of envy you - It must be nice to never have to choose
I'm such a screw-up - No matter what I pick I seem to lose
And now I have to figure
How to tell my girlfriend's parents
That their daughter's - In the water
I've got the Danish Melancholy Blues

I don't know what to do
I've never been that good at big decisions
Should I just let it go
Or am I just avoiding taking charge?
I wish my flesh would melt and I could flow down the drain
It feels like something's rotten in my brain
Track Name: Catatonic
I'm kinda happy and kinda sad
Cause you're the best friend that I never had
I watch your shows and write you letters
About how we should hang out together

But you never write me back
Cause the letters are piled up in this stack

It's in between a crush and obsession
I always give the wrong impression
I go to your panels at every con
But when I meet you my memory's gone

I start to open my mouth
And nothing but air is coming out

CHORUS
Wait, what is my name
How'd I get here
The facts aren't very clear
These are questions I should know the answer to
I just want to say
I'm such a fan
But then you shake my hand
It's in my brain but then it can't get through
I'm catatonic when I talk to you

So much to say but where to begin
Don't want you to think that I'd wear your skin
The stuff you've done has meant so much
But my mind empties when we touch

Wait, I think I've got it now
"..."

CHORUS

When I walk away
It'll come back
And I'll have a heart attack
Cause I'll remember what I meant to do
But it's no use
Guess it's just me
I'll see you on TV
Where I can tell you what I wanted to
I'm catatonic when I talk to you
Track Name: Meant To Be
You’re the sock and I’m the shoe
We should be so good, it’s true,
and I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried
You’re the lock and I’m the key
So, it’s a mystery to me,
but I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried

CHORUS
“Meant to be” is such a curse
We never hear the second verse
Sometimes a princess wants more than a prince
We fight, we cry, and we break up
But I don’t wanna give you up
Sometimes you have to try to make love work
Because we’re not fictional

You’re the P and I’m the J
We lost our B along the way
and I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried
You’re the fish and I’m the chips,
But kisses don’t save sinking ships
and I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried

CHORUS

You’re the song and I’m the dance
Our love should be a great romance
and I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried
You’re my Gambit, I’m your Rogue
What went wrong, I just don’t know
but I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried

CHORUS

You are Watson, I am Crick
Together, we should really click
and I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried
You are Zeus, I’m Ganymede
Our love, it should be guaranteed
and I’ve tried, I’ve tried, I’ve tried

CHORUS

You’re the sock and I’m the shoe
We should be so good, it’s true,
So let’s try, let’s try, let’s try
Track Name: Astronaut's Hymn
I’m leaving Earth behind today
But I promise, I will see you soon
They say we can cut time off the trip
If I slingshot ‘round the moon

And every star in every constellation
Spells the name that burns inside my heart
To keep me warm as I hurtle through space
Every moment we are apart

My spaceship is made of pure genius
The parts are curious and fine
They click so seamlessly together
Just like your hand and mine

And every planet in every solar system
Makes an orbit like a ring of gold
Like the one that shines on my finger
As I fly out in the black and cold

I know that my love for adventure
Sometimes brings you pain
And you watch and worry in wonder
At a frontier that we can’t explain

And our galaxy that spins on its axis
Reaching arms spiralling and wide
Sends your love in every particle transmission
So I feel you by my side

If ever the waves should go silent
My voice does not answer a hail
And all of their expert precision
Cannot find my trail

Every dial will be set to bring me homeward
Even if my last breath is through
For I will be where I loved best
If they bury me next to you

I’m leaving Earth behind today
But I promise, I will be home...
Track Name: Far Away and Distant One
When I first met you
You blew my world away
You were the smartest thing
You knew just what to say

And when I first reached out
You trembled at my touch
You seemed to want me then, but
now it's all too much

CHORUS:
Oh, far away and distant one
Just where did we go wrong
Your clever mind has torn our world apart.
Oh, I don't know just what to say
When you keep pushing me away
And I know the only way to play my part:
I've got to exterminate my heart

Please, listen to me
Please just let me in
I know you're angry, but
forgiveness ain't a sin

And I want to touch you
I long to take a hold
But you hide behind your armor
and it's so very cold

CHORUS

I've tried to love you
I've been right there
And though your mind amazes
You just don't care

And I want to stay here
I want to make amends
But I'm so tired of crying
when you kill off my friends

CHORUS

Yeah, there's only one good way to play my part:
I've got to exterminate my heart
Track Name: The Ultimate Riot
It was my first convention
I had never seen so many happy nerds
I was a shy guest speaker
Who was never very handy with my words

I took the stage, so nervous
And gripped the podium with both my shaking hands
But then I thought, "Don't worry
Just talk about the things they understand."

CHORUS
Live long and prosper
As Gandalf said to Harry
Watch out for Daleks
The wizard boy replied
Trying to rescue
The beautiful Inara
While they were fighting
Darth Vader side by side

They got the fires extinguished
I am told it was a three-alarm affair
And there were cops with roadblocks
And several helicopters in the air

I didn't know what happened
The doctors told me what had come to pass
Because it took twelve hours
To pull the Klingon bat'leth from my ass

CHORUS

"C’mon everybody! This one's for Wash!"

CHORUS

“Frakkin’ toasters!"
Track Name: Nopetopus
Conversation - has made a wrong turn
And forsaken - the genteel discussion
I’d taken - for granted this evening
I’m achin’ - For a fast getaway

Inversion - Of my lovely evening
Perversion - Best left unsaid
Coercion - Not in my nature
Diversion - Is more what I need

CHORUS:
Nopetopus
You have shown us
To deal with abrasion
Use novel evasion
Nopetopus
You’re my patronus
You give me hope
With your nope nope nope

It’s easy - A beacon of hope
When I’m queasy - And need to escape
If words fail me - I call on your lesson
And I’m free - From one minute more

Bailing - May not be ideal
But failing - A polite excuse
Inhaling - Is key to the process
And flailing - Like Kermit the Frog

CHORUS

Bridge:
Racist ideas from your uncle
When are you both having children?
Why can’t you get a date? When will you graduate?
Writing is not a real job
Can’t you just try a bit harder?
Why don’t you dress more your age?
Contrails and GMOs, is this the life you chose?
Can I give you some advice?

Nope Nope...

CHORUS
Track Name: Something's Rotten: Ophelia's Retort
I don't know what to do
I've never been that good at big decisions
Should I just let it go
Or am I just avoiding taking charge?
I wish my flesh would melt and I could flow down the drain
It feels like something's rotten in my brain

You must be kidding me! You irksome, mewling man of indecision!
Quit the soliloquies, you dizzy-eyed and beetle-headed brat
While you were brooding, I was busy going insane.
Oh yeah, there’s something rotten in your brain!

I gave you patience through all the words, words, words and family crap
I gave you passion, you gave me insults, heartache and the Clap
I set my heart on you
But the whole thing’s driving me so very mad.
You killed my dad!
I think I know why Kate was such a shrew

Are you contented? Do you dream while you are sleeping where you lie?
Should I join you? Can I throw it all away and say goodbye?
I think the bigger question is
How is it I continue to be
Bothered - By my father
Parental expectations never die

I don't know what to do
I've never been that good at big decisions
Should I just let it go
Or am I just avoiding taking charge?
Is this growing up or am I going insane
It feels like something's rotten in my brain

It’s time for you to grow up, you ignorant Dane
It feels like something’s rotten (You can bet there’s something rotten)

In my brain (so kill the king)
Track Name: I Ship It
The worlds they're living in
It's hard to make a friend
You wish that they could see what you can see
The characters you know
You hate to let them go
Without a chance to love but luckily
It's free

Cordelia and Angel - I ship it
Bucky Barnes and Starbuck - I ship it
Galactus and the planet Earth - I ship it
Anyone and everyone can find someone to love
'Cause I ship it

In every book you read
In movies and tv
They're all just waiting for your guiding hand
If one world makes you smile
Then two is worth your while
The only limit is what you command
It's planned

The Tick and Abe Lincoln - I ship it
Thor and Jareth - I ship it
Me and Mister Darcy - I ship it
Anyone and everyone can find someone to love
'Cause I ship it

There's nothing you can't do
Whatever comes to you
Sweet or sexy - everything is fair
Anything can be
A fiction fantasy
In threes or fours or even just a pair
It's there

Sherlock and the Doctor - I ship it
Hermione and Willow - I ship it
All of the Avengers - I ship it
Anyone and everyone can find someone to love
Yes
Anyone and everyone can find someone to love
Oh
You would not believe the matches I am thinking of
'Cause I ship it
Track Name: Eureka!
CHORUS:
“Eureka! Eureka!” Archimedes cried
And throughout all of history, from both far and wide
It’s a new discovery, they exclaim with pride
“Eureka! Eureka!” Science is applied!

Galileo Galilei said the world was round
Isaac Newton saw the math in apples falling down
Cuvier named pterodactyl and the mastodon
Mary Anning’s fossils moved the dinosaurs along

Darwin took his Beagle out to find the origin
Mendel crossed the genes of peas to see which traits would win
Ellen Richards pushed for better water, cleaner air
Marie Curie found particles were zooming here and there

CHORUS

Henrietta Leavitt made a ruler out of light
Einstein slowed down time with superluminary flight
Fleming’s penicillin cured a myriad of things
Noether gave us arithmetic thoughts on fields and rings
Hopper wrote the first compiler, long before PCs
Rachel Carson loved the earth and hated DDT
Turing broke the Nazi code and thought about AI
Mary Leakey found your grandpa’s bones at Olduvai

CHORUS

BRIDGE:
Rosalind Franklin had a way with double-helix DNA
We can’t thank her enough
The same would go for all the rest, the scientists who did their best
So we could know this stuff

Fossey’s work with primates was a mission with a risk
Sagan sent a message to the cosmos on a disc
Nikola Tesla helped to bring the light inside our homes
Faraday had ‘lectromagnetism in his bones

Planck used quantum theory to turn science into art
Mendeleev built a table from atomic parts
Polio was finished after Salk gave it a try
Merian found magic in a changing butterfly

CHORUS

Julian made medicine from plants of many kinds
Chandrasekhar postulated holes in space and time
Nettie Stevens’ chromosomes gave us X and Y
Brahmagupta worked with zero, now we say goodbye

CHORUS
Track Name: "Smile!"
Maybe you think you’re clever
Or maybe you think it’s cute
But we are just perfect strangers
So you come off like a brute

I’m just trying to get to work now
So, excuse me if I’m not contrite
But I’ve never met you before, sir
and you don't know it but you're starting a fight//

CHORUS:
Please don’t ask me to smile
Please don’t tell me to cheer up
This is my face and it isn’t your place to tell me how
I should use it
No don’t ask me to smile
Because it isn’t kind it’s creepy
I just wanna be me
Angry, sad or carefree and
I'm fine with me
So I don’t see a need to excuse it

I’ve got a pretty cancerous puppy
My mom and my dad just died
I’m sorry I don’t seem happy
But I’ll try to look on the bright side

But I lost all my things in that house fire
and I haven’t pooped in a week
I think my boyfriend’s dating the mailman
So my tolerance is reaching its peak

CHORUS

BRIDGE:
I don’t care if I’m pretty
I don’t care if I’m cute
I’m not looking to flirt
I’m no sweetheart to you
You may be funny
You may be sweet
but right now you kinda sound like a creep

CHORUS

My cat was abducted by aliens
My car is infested with bees
I’ll try to remember the good times
Like when I got that kidney disease

And I’m apparently allergic to coffee
And my sister just got killed by bear
I’m sorry if I seem so distracted
But I just found out I’m losing my hair

CHORUS
Track Name: Nathan Fillion (Please Take Off Your Pants)
CHORUS:
Nathan Fillion, please take off your pants!
Nathan Fillion, please take off your pants!
Nathan Fillion, do a little dance!
Nathan Fillion, please take off your pants!

I threw my spoon across the room
When I saw that perfect moon
I didn’t know just what to do
So I hit rewind
And when his rear appeared again
I had to slowly count to ten
Or else my heart would surely rend
From seeing that behind!

CHORUS

I rewatched all of Firefly
In vain attempts to espy
Whether what was under fly
Was really quite that grand
They call him one in Much Ado
But I’m feeling rather blue
It lacked the tush we want to view
The finest in the land!

CHORUS

HOEDOWN

His rump is proving awful wily
There’s a glimpse in Outing Riley
I’d rather see him twerk than Miley
But he’s got some class
His tuchus even has a Tumblr
Nathan, if you want my number
I could be your booty drummer
Oh my god, DAT ASS

CHORUS X 2