Take Everything

by The PDX Broadsides

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about

A collection of songs old and new, originals and filk, shanties and ballads, ships and science, love and naughtiness.

It's geek pirate fusion, and it's waiting for your ears.

credits

released April 24, 2013

Vocals: Jessica Hebert, Hollyanna Smith McCollom
Additional Vocals: Wood Jackson
Guitars: Christian Lipski

Album art by Molly Hayden www.layofthelacrymer.com

Recorded in the Magic Murder Room, Portland OR

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about

The PDX Broadsides Portland, Oregon

The PDX Broadsides (Portland, OR)
pdxbroadsides.com
are a trio of nerd enthusiasts who sing about science, piracy, superheroes, robots, and other geeky topics with great vigor and harmony. Formed in September 2011 on accident in a crucible of exhaustion, excessive coffee and too much wine, they deliver original nerdy tunes and geek parodies. ... more

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Track Name: Take Everything You Can
When you are plundering, I like to watch you
You need a light, I'd find a torch

Cuz I love the way you burn a city
And you take everything you can

If you have scurvy, here take my lemon
And if it’s real bad; I'll give you seven

Cuz I love how all your teeth are still there
And you take everything you can

You steal a galleon, I’ll count your treasure
Capture maidens, I’ll give them pleasure

Cuz I love your matchless taste in wenches
And you take everything you can

I'd buy you peg legs when you start losing arms and legs
Share my booty, there’s no need to beg

Cuz I love you more than extra rum at share out
And you take everything you can
You take everything you can
You take everything you can
Track Name: The Zombie Song
Chorus:
If I die young
And become a zombie
Shoot me in the head
Don’t forget to doubletap
Lay me in a bonfire at dawn
Send me away before I get my nom on

Lord, grant me a flintlock
With a pan full of powder
I’ve got a knife and sword but a gun is still louder
Life ain’t always what you think it ought to be
Will I see tomorrow?
Well that’s just a maybe...
End my short life with a sharp knife
Well, I guess it’s about time

Chorus
End my short life with a sharp knife
Well, I guess it’s about time

I’ll be fully armed when I leave here in the morning
All the lead I can carry, the undead best take warning
‘Cause my hand will not shake, I’ll take them all apart
I do not kill with my gun, I kill with my heart
There was a boy, said he’d love me forever
Who would’ve thought his head could be severed by
A short dice with a sharp knife?
Well, I guess it’s about time

If it comes down to this, boys, and my time has come
And all I ever did is done
Then don’t wipe away the clots, oh no, wear ‘em like a badge of honor
Because if I’m bit then I’m already a goner and
Think about why we were livin’ so hasty
Funny, when you’re dead, how people are so...tasty.
(Om nom, nom nom)

Chorus

When I’m dead and gone
Remember me with fondness
Gather up your courage and brave the world tomorrow
Can’t kill a zombie with your heart full of sorrow, no
End my short life with a sharp knife
Well, I guess it’s about time

So put on your best, boys, ‘cause it’s just our time...
Track Name: Schrodinger's Cat
Sometimes I think my life is crap
Wanna curl up in someone’s lap
I don’t want to be a paradox
When I could sleep all day and poop in a box

CHORUS:
Am I alive or am I dead?
Is this the reason I've been bred?
Either way, it can be said
I'm still here
Forever alive and always dead
If you don’t look it’s on your head
A quantum paradox of dread
And yet, I’m still here

If I were Bucky Fuller’s cat
I’d sleep in a dome and I’d be cool with that
Nicola Tesla would scratch my ears
And not run me through with amperes

CHORUS

Spooky Action at a distance
Does not excuse this poor existence
Isaac Newton was totally wack
But he would still have probably had my back

CHORUS

I'm more than just an adage, more than just a riddle
My life is all a box and this kitty's in the middle
I'm more than just an adage, more than just a riddle
My life is all a box and this kitty's in the middle

Nobel would let me see the light
and I would say that he is dynamite
You say that it’s an exercise
To constantly question my demise

CHORUS

And now that I've been locked inside
I’ve no friend but this cyanide
As I watch atomic decay
I would rather you had me spayed

CHORUS
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
...or am I?
Track Name: The Confession Song
I’ve got something to say. It’s not easy for me.
But we’ve come to a fork in the road, you and me.
If I tell you my thoughts, I’m afraid you will flee
I’m afraid you will see just how strange I can be.

Now, I hope you don’t mind, I’m attracted to you
And I’d like to explore all the facets of you
But I’m wondering dear, how accepting you’ll be
Of the quirkier, kookier facets of me

Please forgive me if I seem a bit slow to confess
But you should know by now that I like you enough to profess
I’m a pirate

Wait, before you shove off, please just let me explain
Because it isn’t just stupid; I swear it’s not lame
Sure, I like drinking rum. I like playing with swords.
And my jokes about booty are a bit untoward

And yes, I broke your TV watching ninja movies
and I might have been slipping some rum in your tea
I’ve a weakness for grog, and for leather and beards
Still I’m hoping you don’t find my secret too weird

Please forgive me if I seem a bit slow to confess
But you should know by now that I like you enough to profess
I’m a pirate

If you wanna, you can come along for the ride
I might even have a tricorn hat you can try
won’t you tell me that you think it’s all right that I might
be a pirate

I can see you’re confused, I’m not crazy, I swear
I don’t rape, pillage, plunder, wear shells in my hair
No, I’m not Johnny Depp, or Elizabeth Swann
I just like shouting, “yar” with my stripey socks on

Cross my heart, I won’t laugh, if you’re in 501st
play a zombie on Sundays and in Thu’um are versed
You can watch all the Star Trek you want, it’s okay
Spock’s a bit of a pirate at heart some would say

Please forgive me if I seem a bit slow to confess
But you should know by now that I like you enough to profess
Please forgive me if I seem a bit slow to confess
But you should know by now that I like you enough to profess
I’m a pirate
Track Name: The Red Shirt's Prayer
The Enterprise has been my home for five long years of travel,
Today’s the day I earn my pay by entering into battle,

Chorus:
As I boldly go, against our foes, my red shirt is my glory,
But If I should die, hold your head high and tell them all my story

With m' long-lost friends, I’ll make amends, just as soon as I am homeward,
For Captain Kirk put me to work and means to move me forward

With the landing crew, on my debut, I’m thrilled for this adventure
We’re beaming down to some strange town and I’m the first to enter

With a twinkling eye, Scotty bids goodbye and blesses my dear mother
T’was an odd goodbye, I will not lie. I’m just a little buggered

In the transport room there’s a sense of doom but I’m sure it’s all quite common
For I have me crew, they know what to do, should we encounter problems
Track Name: Change The Locks
The first time I laid eyes on you
Was the first time I could see
When you touched my hand and smiled
Your current charged through me
Though you made me to assist you
No way you could foresee
Your android aide whom you had made
Found love the master key

Chorus:
You made me who I am but I can’t change you
I show you how I feel but I can’t break through
This capacitive reactance
Now I see that we’re worlds apart
You can have your distance
But I’ll change the locks on my heart

I worry at your furrowed brow
As you tinker on for hours
And while you work I fantasize
That you would buy me flowers
Fierce heat inside me when you’re near
It threatens to destroy
My skin is made of cobalt-chrome
But my heart’s weak tin alloy

Chorus

You say that you need space
I need space, too
I just thought we’d see it together
Maybe even touch the moon

So I’ll leave you when you’re sleeping
You won’t see my strange tears gleam
For even though I cannot sleep
You’ve taught me how dream
If you knew some gears and circuits
And biochemical gel
Would make a robot who could love
Would you have done so well?

Chorus

It’s capacitive reactance
Now I see that we’re worlds apart
You can have your distance
But I’ll change the locks on my heart
Track Name: Pi Day (I'm In Love)
Three one four one five nine two
Times 2r will bring us to
An area we’ll dig into
It's Pi Day I’m in love
Give us crust that breaks apart
Ala mode or ala carte
You can keep your apple tart
It's Pi Day I’m in love

Easter can wait
And Thanksgiving is much too late
But Pi Day always satiates

I don’t care if you give me flack
Machin and Euler had the knack
To use math on my favorite snack
It's Pi Day I’m in love

Paint it black or pen it red
Stitch a graph for sine in thread
Bake a cake, even round bread
It's Pi Day I’m in love

Easter can wait
And Thanksgiving is much too late
But Pi Day always satiates

Dressed up to the eyes
It's a wonderful surprise
To see your crust bubble and rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
Of the squeaks and the shrieks
As we pass it around
Always take a big bite
It's such a gorgeous sight
You can even eat in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It's Pi Day I’m in love

Three one four one five nine two
Times 2r will bring us to
An area we’ll dig into
It's Pi Day I’m in love
Give us crust that breaks apart
Ala mode or ala carte
You can keep your apple tart
It's Pi Day I’m in love
Track Name: Bang Bang Lulu
Chorus:
Bang bang Lulu, Lulu bang bang
Who's gonna bang for Lulu
When Lulu's gone away

Some girls work in factories, some girls work in stores,
But Lulu works in a bawdy house with forty other...

Lulu had two boyfriends, both of them were rich
One was the son of a baker, the other was the son of a …

Lulu had a baby, and it was quite a shock,
She couldn't call it Lulu, ‘cause that bastard had a...

Lulu had a little lamb, she kept it in a bucket,
Every time the lamb jumped out, the bulldog tried to...

Lulu had a walking stick and it was very blunt
But she didn't take it walking, she would stick it up her...

Lulu had a mother, full of sass and pluck
She taught that girl no ‘rithmatic but taught that girl to...
Track Name: Fuck 'Em All
They say there’s a fine ship just leaving the bay
Bound for a fairer shore
Heavily laden with what kind of men?
Well, we’ll find out for sure
There's many a lad just finishin’ his time,
There's many a swab signing on;
You’ll get no promotion this side of the ocean
So cheer up, my lass, fuck ‘em all!

Chorus:
Fuck ‘em all! Fuck ‘em all!
Fuck the long and the short and the tall
Fuck all the captains and their number ones
Fuck all the gunners and their fucking guns
And we’re saying good-bye to them all
As back to their hammocks they crawl
You’ll get no promotion this side of the ocean
So cheer up, my lass, fuck ‘em all

They say if you work hard you get better pay
Well, we’ve all heard that before
Put in some muscle and tighten your bustle
And you’ll never be wanting more
There’s many a lass that has taken it in
Hook, line, and sinker and all
You’ll get no promotion this side of the ocean
So cheer up, my lass, fuck ‘em all

Chorus

They say that the captain’s a very nice chap
We won’t confirm or deny
Ask him for leave on a Saturday eve
And he’ll make you pump the bilge dry
Many a sailor has blighted his life
By writing rude words on the wall
You’ll get no promotion this side of the ocean
So cheer up, my lass, fuck ‘em all

Chorus

Fuck 'em all! Fuck 'em all!
Fuck the long and the short and the tall;
Fuck all the barmaids and and drink all their rum
Fuck all the sailors and their bastard sons;
For we're saying goodbye to them all,
At least ‘til our next port of call
You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean,
So cheer up my lads, fuck 'em all!

Nobody knows what a whore you have been
So cheer up, my lass, fuck ‘em all!
Track Name: Bugger Off
You've been a lovely audience but now your time has passed
Now don’t you all be letting the door hit you in the ass
You've been a splendid audience but enough is enough
We'd thank you very kindly if you'd all just bugger off

CHORUS:
Bugger off you bastards bugger off
FUCK YOU!
Bugger off you bastards bugger off
Like a herd of bloody swine who refuse to leave the trough
You'll get no more this evening so you bastards bugger off

Here’s to all the thievin’ waitresses been serving you your beer
They've put up with your noxious breath and stupid drunken leers
Be leaving all your money on the table when you go
Tomorrow you'll have a throbbing head with nothing else to show

CHORUS

Here's to all the lovely ladies who are waiting for the band
And thinking one of them might make a charming one night stand
Oh please don’t take offence because this song’s not meant for you
We'll be happy to oblige you when this nasty job is through

CHORUS

So now you’re promising the ladies a night of loving bliss
When truth be told you’re far too drunk to stand up straight and piss
So give it up you bloody sots you'll not be getting laid
And the sooner that you’re out the door the sooner we'll be paid

CHORUS x 3
FUCK YOU!
Track Name: Let's Talk Dirty To The Animals
A rooster says Good Morning
With a "Cock-a-doodle-doo" - Good Morning!
A horse's neigh is just his way
Of saying, "How are you".
A lion growls "Hello"
And owls ask "Why" and "Where" and "Who".
May I suggest you get undressed
And show them your wazoo - Oh,

The animals, the animals,
Let's talk dirty to the animals.
Fuck you, Mister Bunny.
Eat Shit, Mister Bear.
If they don't love it, they can shove it.
Frankly, we don't care - Oh,

The animals, the animals,
Let's talk dirty to the animals.
Up yours, Mister Hippo
Piss off, Mister Fox.
Go tell a chicken, "Suck my dick" and
Give him chicken pox - Oh,

The animals, the animals,
Let's talk dirty to the animals
From birds in the treetops
To snakes in the grass - But,
Never tell an alligator, "Bite my..." No!
Never tell an alligator, "Bite my..." Yes!
Never tell an alligator, "Bite my snatch!"